i had a very interesting conversation with my brother last nite.

it all started when we were watching High School Musical [the What's What Edition! it was horrible!] andhe saw a mouse in the hallway. as mice are always wont to do, it ended up in my bedroom. i saw it when i was in there a little later, putting away laundry.

i proceeded to close the door, seal off the bottom of it with a towel, and attempt to catch it with a tupperware container. as was pointed out later by my sister, this is not the kind of thing a normal person does, but whatever. i'm a tiger, should i not be expected to chase a few mice?

anyways, it eventually made it's way under my dresser. there's this unhelpful open area in the bottom of the back of it, and when we have mice in our house, they always go under there. it's very inconvenient.

i sealed off one end of the area behind the dresser with a corkboard and some tape, so if the mouse wanted out, he'd have to go out the other end. at this other end, i put the lid of the tupperware container, covered in peanut butter. then, i sat in wait.

a couple times i got very very very close to catching him, but eventually, he just left the peanut butter trap alone and stayed at th other end of the behind-the-dresser area, even though he couldn't get out that way. then, he climbed up the corkboard a little bit and moved between it and the side of the dresser. there still wasn't enough room for it to get out; it was just lodged between the two things.

i moved to that end, pulled back the corkboard a little bit and tried diagonaling it so as to force the mouse out into the container i was holding. very very unfortunately, the mouse decided to run directly towards where i was moving the end of the corkboard to turn it. as a result, the mouse was crushed a little bit between the corner of the corkboard and the wall. it was awful. i will forever be haunted by these memories. i put the container over it and left the room in a hurry.

as i was freaking out completely, my sister came and helped by removing the mouse from my room. she kept on telling me that she'd freak out if when she lifted the container it ran or jumped or anything. i, very sadly, told her that i seriously doubted it would ever run or jump or anything ever again. the most moving it'd probably be doing would be twitching. it was awful.

then, our parents came home and i proceeded to tell them what happened. subsequently, i freaked out again and couldn't handle anything. i was soon hyperventilating, having trouble standing, and feeling very very lightheaded. it really didn't help at all that my mother and sister kept on laughing at me, and it really didn't help when my family members were getting really mad at each other for stupid things.

thankfully, though, my brother was soon there on the floor next to me, playing good music for me, trying to teach me yoga [i'm not really a very good student] and talking about his personal life and his emotions.

that led to me talking about my personal life and my emotions. it got me to thinking. i used to be sooo very madly in love with one of my friends. i could not get her out of my head, seeing her automatically made my day better, etc. i was in love with her. i wrote multiple love songs about her. now, i've gotten over her. not only am i completely fine witht he fact that she's dating another guy, i'm also really glad because i know that he's a cool guy and he takes care of her.

it was really weird thinking about it all from an objective point of view, though. first of all, it's easier to see imperfections she has, and second, the good things aren't always less good, they're just more different. one song i wrote about her is pretty much a list of memories i've had with her, and singing/listening to it now is so weird of an experience, because those moments, while they still seem great, are completely different. they're not good because i was with her, they're good because she was a good friend.

also, my brother totally talked to me about things that i've almost never heard him talk about, like girls he's fallen for, and the inner workings of his brain/heart. one thing he said was, "if i write a love song for a girl i'm in love with, and then later in life i fall in love with and marry another girl, will i still be able to sing that love song? it will be, in a way, cheating on my wife, won't it?" i had never thought about that before. i had just thought how weird it'd be singing that song once i'd gotten over the girl it was about, because i no longer felt that way about her.

and he told me that one song he wrote was about a girl, and it was totally obvious to him whenever he thought about the lyrics, but no one else would ever guess. i had seriously thought that it was just a generic love song, not about any specific person, you know? he told me that if i tried to guess who it was about, even if i was wrong [he really loves guessing games, even if people never guess the right answer] he'd tell me. unfortunately, i am horrible at guessing games, so i didn't know who to guess and now i may never know who it's about.

i shared that i may very well be an internet attention whore. i have two different facets. i'm always either one or the other, it's a very definite thing. either i really don't want attention at all and i try to stay completely to myself [this is most of the time] or i really want attention and do whatever i can to get it. usually the getting attention phase happens when i'm on the internet or writing letters, because there's a separation between myself and other people. as my english teacher once put it, i "have control over the presentation." because of that, almost everything i do on the internet is done completely so that i can have some attention.

most of the things that i said last nite were things i'd never actually put into vocal words, at least not to anyone other than erin. it was a very nice conversation and it really helped me calm down. i seriously have never been so stressed and emotional than i was last nite. i felt like my heart was going to stop and i was going to black out and fall on the floor and die. it was crazy, until my brother helped me calm down. also, my dad helped a lot. he really facilitated my well-being, while my mom and sister just ignored me/laughed at me.

then, i slept on the couch in the living room because my room was a complete mess from moving everything around to catch that mouse. i slept until one or two in the afternoon, chilled all day and then i went to mass at St. John's in the evening.

my family used to go to St. John's for mass every week, but then they stopped having it there because there are three other parishes in town and not enough priests to go around. they do mass every Sunday evening, though, for students and teachers and the families of students and teachers at ISU, which St. John's is on the campus of.

anyways, i always forget how much i love that building and how much i love going to mass there until i go again. the architecture is simply beautiful. there's one wall, directly behind the altar, where it has bricks of probably eight or ten different sizes, and they're laid in absolutely no pattern at all. it's wondrous. also, the ceiling is so very beautifully curved. and there are all these little decorations that are amazing to look at.

also, the people who do the music are all college students, and there was one guy on piano and singing, two girls singing, one girl on flute, and one guy on conga drums and singing. it was amazing and very chill. i hope to go to mass there again in the near future.

there's this guy who rides the C route bus here in the greater Pocatello/Chubbuck metropolitan area.

he has a very strong New York accent. sometimes he tells stories about how when people first meet him, they're like, "oh, your accent! it's so strong! what brigns you out to idaho at this time of year?" or "oh, you're from New York? awesome! i was just there two months ago - it's a bummer we didn't know each other then, we could have hung out or something," to which he replies, "i haven't lived in New York for almost a quarter of a century! 24 years it's been!i've lived in twelve other states since, mostly in the west!"

it's really funny.

also, he says thigns like, "seeing as i'm in Idaho, i'll meander over there."

and me and my brother think he's a caterer or chef, because he's talked about cooking for a wedding.

also, he likes to wear button down shirts with the top two buttons undone. and he kind of has a parka of white chest hair.

i'm not gonna lie, that guy makes me excited for being older. i think to myself: "if i can be even just an ounce like that guy when i'm older, my ilfe will be a success."

okay, maybe that's a little over the top, but i do look forward to being older partially because i can aspire to being similar to him.

also, i really look forward to raising a child. i'm so excited for having a kid. i's crazy. i used to hate children, but now, i'm really looking forward to the part they [or at least one of them] will play in my future.

i'm almost constantly comparing my life to those of characters in my faovourite movies/shows/books.

bu most of all, Charlie from The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky reminds me of myself.

until i read that book [and then again when i found out that being a "highly sensitive person" is a real thing] i thought i was just weird and crazy and alone in my thinking process.

that book helped me see that there are other peopel like me and i'm not alone, so that was nice.

also, my best friend throughout middle school and some of high school was named Wilson. his little brother, Jason, was sooo much like me, it was crazy. i didn't meet Jason until i was in the seventh grade, but we totally had all the same mannerisms and we said a bunch of the same things and it was really weird.

unfortunately, i haven't seen/talked to Jason in probably a year and a half at best, so i don't know how much he'd still remind me of myself.

that's all i can think of right now. :3

1) Where have you traveled most recently?
california, i think. man, it's been a while since i traveled a long distance. also, that trip to california started as a drive down to los angeles, then ended up with us driving back through reno and, eventually, oregon. that's the only time i've ever been to oregon and it was great. after that, we drove to boise, idaho, to meet my father, brother and sister there in the hospital where my sister was because she had been in a car crash. it was a very eventful vacation.

2) What city/ country have you always wanted to go? Is there a place that draws you?
london, or at least somewhere in the UK. British people intrigue me sooooo very much.

3) Which place(s) have you found particularly magical or beautiful?
there's this place my sibs and i went to once with our friends the O'briens. i don't rememebr where it is [it was close enough that we could drive there, hang out for a while, and then drive back all in one day] and it was totally amazing. there was a lake with a really cool dock area, and there was a nice little grassy area with a strange stone fireplace, and there was also a cemetary. that last part wasn't my favourite, but i've alsways loved that place, even though i've only been there the one time. it was a very lovely experience and, if i can, i'll go back there some day.

4) If you could travel anywhere this holiday season, where would you go? and…
maybe california. even though my relatives who live there are a complete hassle and pain to deal with, Christmas with the whole fam is alwaya a good time.

5) Who would you bring with you?
if i could just bring one person, probably my mom. if i could bring, say, four, then i'd bring my mom, dad, sister and brother.

probably, my favourite thing about anger is that it helps move people to action.

i'm really not good at doing things or solving problems if they involve other people, but if i get angry enough, i'll definitely do something about it.

that's what i like about it.

just so you know, there's a band called Her Space Holiday, and they're really good, and on their latest album there was a song called "The Year In Review," and that's what this Friday Five was called or something. that song is one of my favourite songs of the year, just so you know.

also, about Her Space Holiday, there's this poem/story that explains the title of his latest album [as it turns out, the band is just one person. his name is Marc Bianchi] and on myspace there used to be a recording of Marc reading it over a very lovely banjo track, but it's not there anymore and i'm really bummed because it doesn't exist anywhere anymore [or anywhere that i can find, at least] and i'd really love to hear it again.

and there's a playstation commercial on the television nowadays that has the Her Space Holiday song "Pass It On" in it. it's crazy.

1) What new experience(s) did you have in 2008?
first kiss, first broken heart, graduationg from high school, first semester of college, i wrote my first songs. it was a very eventful year. also, i went to the Elliott Smith memorial wall on the side of the Sound Solutions building in Hollywood, CA. the cover of one of his albums was a picture ofhim standing in front of that wall [it's got an amazing mural on it] and since he's died, it's become a write-your-messages-to-Elliott memorial. unfortunately, i forgot that i had my pen with me and didn't write anything. looks like i'll have to go there again sometime...

2) What inspired you in 2008?
ummm... an episode of The Venture Brothers, Elliott Smith, Frightened Rabbit, The Rocket Summer, Dashboard Confessional, Wes Anderson, Sufjan Stevens, my brother.

3) What challenged you this year?
college. it turns out that i'm not really the best at being a college student. also trying to win the heart of a girl who didn't always feel the same way as me was a pretty tough challenge sometimes.

4) What new person or people entered your life?
Andrew Hanney, but then he stopped coming to speech class. ummm... Dylan, but now he doesn't respond to my texts... he may have got a new phone and forgot to tell me... most importantly, Caden. he's my youngest cousin [i guess he's a second cousin, really] and he was just born this year. he's pretty rock n roll. he likes giraffes.

5) Which global event(s) had a strong impact on you?
global events? i dunno. i guess Barack Obama winning the election. it's really cool to be able to say that i voted for the first black president of the united states.

i really don't care what actual gifts i get. i may not be able to say that closer to Christmas morning, or after i open the presents i get, but right now, i don't care what gifts i get.

what i really want is for my family to be okay. there's so much going on with them that's not really good and i just want them to make it.