this reminds me of a movie i watched on thursday.

it's called The Fall.

it was directed by Tarsem [the same guy who directed The Cell].

it's incredible and everyone should see it.

it was seriously one of the most beautiful things i've ever seen.

it's about a man [his name is roy] who is a stuntman for movies in the 1920s and a girl [her name is alexandria... she's very young and doesn't know english all that well] who works on her family's farm.

roy was seriously injured doing a stunt for a film, and alexandria fell from a tree she was picking fruit from and broke her arm. they're in the same hospital.

to pass the time, roy tells alexandria stories, the most important of which being about the five heroes: The Ex-Slave, The Explosives Expert, The Indian, The Masked Bandit, and Charles Darwin.

the five heroes all have their reasons for wanting to exact revenge on the evil Governor Odious, so they team up to meet their goals.

alexandria gets totally involved in the story, and things get more complicated and tragic for everyone.

it's a very sad and beautiful and moving film.

it's in my top favourites.

i definitely recommend that everyone see it.

also, it's starring Lee Pace [the main star of ABC's Pushing Daisies].

it's really good.

i was thinking about this earlier today, actually.

i was talking to my sister about Albert Camus' The Stranger and how the main character, Meursault, doesn't feel emotions. he isn't empathetic toward anything or anyone around him, and it's awful. he completely separates himself from everything that happens other than direct, immediate physical stimuli.

i think that's a big part of what makes us human. i have a hard time believing that Meursault can count as human, because he is so emotionless, especially towards those around him. at one point in the book, a woman asks Meursault to marry her because she's in love with him, and he says, "Yeah, we can if you want. It doesn't matter to me at all." then, Marie [that's the woman's name] asks him if he loves her. to this, he responds, "I don't think it matters, but no, probably not." so she says, "why marry me then?" and he answers, "it just doesn't seem like that big of a deal to me, and we can get married if you want."

it's awful.

just as a forewarning, this is going to be another list blog.

many things:

music.
rock shows [similar, but different].
people like erin paige.
erin paige. she's my favourite, and i do everything for her.
the people on this site.
blogs.
animals.
books.
film.
art.
the creativity of others.
God, the Father.
Jesus, God's Son.
The Holy Spirit.
the Bible.
love, definitely love.
and as always, erin again. she's that wonderful.

i think, at the moment, that's it. thanks for reading, i love you guys.

i once wrote a song called "i'm starting a new life in omaha."

it was about how my life wasn't going in the right direction and i wanted to just leave it all behind and start over, in a new place, with new people, with new things.

that plan didn't work out so well, and here i am, with things still not going in the direction i had, for so long, hoped they'd be going.

but i'm okay with it.

so in a way, i am starting a new life, but not in a new place, not with new people, not with new things.

all i've got that's new is my point of view.

i don't know at this point that i'll ever end up with erin, and i can handle that. i don't know the future, and for all i know, i could totally be wrong when i say it's unlikely that i'll marry her someday.

i'm hopeful, which is a good thing. sometimes i have these awful troughs of depression [that's what i like to call them.. that, or i say i'm drowning in a sea of melancholy], but i haven't been through one of those in a couple weeks, which is pretty amazing considering the rate i had them at prior to this.

i don't think erin's the only girl out there for me. i know i can be all right without her.

fuck, i'm only nineteen. i [God willing] have many years ahead of me, and there are sooo many people in the world. maybe i'm not even meant to end up married to someone. maybe God intends for me to be a priest or something. i could handle that. actually, i've seriously thought about it.

i know that erin's dating someone else [i don't even know his name... actually, i don't know that i ever will] and i know that maybe i won't be transferring to BSU for next semester, but i am still friends with her, and i do know that she loves me in some sense, and i know that being good friends works out well for us, and she told me just tonite that she knows there's someone out there better for me than her, which, i think is hard to imagine, but at the same time, a very very very wonderful thought.

one funny thing is i've always been the one who was madly in love with her, and she made all the moves. she held my hand; she rested her head on my shoulder; she kissed me. maybe it's just because of my introverted nature, but still. i've always been more into her than she was into me, and she's the one who did those things.

don't get me wrong, i still love her, very much. there'll always be a big place in my heart for her. if ever she thinks to herself that she needs me, unless i've found that person she's said is out there for me, i'll very very gladly meet her needs. if ever she thinks she did something wrong [i've never seen a need for her to apologise for anything, as of yet], i'm more than ready to forgive her. i'll always be her tiger.

and she knows that, and i'm glad she knows that.

but i think now maybe i can be someone else's tiger, too. or maybe i can be someone else's person. it's hard to tell at this point.

i'm so very glad to have known her. if i never got to see her again, i think maybe i'd be able to be okay, but i'm glad to know that i probably won't never see her again. dang, she taught me a lot. i'm a much better person because of her. seriously, any girl i fall in love with in the future owes a lot to erin, because she taught me how to be in love, i think. she's been my biggest influence and biggest inspiration for a while now, and i love that. and she loves that, too, which makes me feel even better about things.

really, i hope the best for her always. if i can be that best, good for me, that's cool, and i'd love it. but if that best will come from someone else, or from herself, i can handle that.

i'm not giving up the hope that i might be with her someday. i'm just building up a hope that if i'm not, God has other things planned for me.

seriously, i feel really good right now. i owe that a lot to erin and a convo we had today. it was a good convo.

i need to change up my myspace page soon. it's been too long, really. that's going to happen within the next couple days, hopefully.

darn, i think maybe i'm nocturnalising again... that's not always the most pleasant thing to do... hmmm... i should probably go to bed soon, but i need to finish this first.

i'm really thankful to God for everything, but i don't tell Him that enough, definitely. i really need to pray more, and go to church more, and read my bible more. also, i'll hopefully start volunteering for the youth ministry department at my church. our new youth leader seems like a cool guy and our youth programs in the past have been seriously lacking and i'd definitely love to help remedy that.

also, i plan on hanging out with my friends samlyle and michaelmartin more often from now on. hopefully we'll have some nice talks [i've really missed that since sam and i stopped going for those drives] and we'll get better at making music [michaelmartin definitely has a lot to teach me about the guitar and hopefully we can both teach each other a lot about the harmonica].

also, i really think you should check out my brother's band at myspace.com/rebelfoxmusic and my friend clyde webb's music at myspace.com/clydewebb and my other friend's band ten of us together at myspace.com/lunchintheparkproductions. my brother is seriously a really good lyricist. clyde webb is the next daniel johnston. ten of us together is an amazing guitarist who will have a decent myspace page up in the very near future. thank you for listening to their stuff.

thanks for everything. this has been a great online community and i love all of you guys.

also, big thanks to God. he's helped me through so very much and i don't see any end to that i nthe near future, because i need him. God, you've been so amazing to me and i can never repay you. thank you so much, i love you.

thanks to erin, too. i absolutely love you and want you to be happy always. thanks so much for everything, dear. you're the first person to have won over my heart and you'll always be very special to me. thank you so much.

i'm working on a lot.

i'm working on making more music for my band. that's lots of fun to work on, except it's hard because i don't really know how to play chords.

i'm also working on moving out of my parents house. my sister and i are hoping we can get a place together over by the school my dad teaches at because it's very centrally located and close to everything important in town, and it's a really cool neighborhood full of our friends and both of the churches we attend [St. Joe's = Catholic and First Baptist Church = ABC] and we kind of don't like living with the rest of our family.

and i'm kind of working on getting a job. i don't really know that it's worth it, though, because it seems that all the places of potential employment have something against me and refure to let me get hired anywhere in town.

i really don't know my purpose in life.

maybe i don't even have one. Bright Eyes has a song called "At the Bottom of Everything." it's one of my favourite songs by him. it's so very beautiful. the last line is "I'm happy just because I've found out I am really no one." i really like that, because thinking about it, i kind of am really no one. we all are. i seriously doubt that anything any of the members of this site do during their lifetimes will have any effect on the universe or even be remembered in one million years. we're all no one, and there's a nice comfort in that.

or maybe my purpose is to be happy. once at mass we had a guest priest and he was really cool. his homily was about people's purposes in life. he had once met a woman, and she was always happy, and she was so very amazed at how wonderful her life was because of Jesus, and that, from the sounds of things, that was her purpose. to be happy, to love God, and to not want to wait for the next day to come because the meant the God would be working wonders for a whole nother day. i really really really loved that homily. it's one of my favourites i've ever heard, and i've been to mass a lot. a LOT.

or maybe it's my purpose to not know my life's purpose yet. maybe i'm not ready for it and i need to prepare, emotionally and mentally and spiritually. i'm definitely really young and i've maybe still got a bunch of time to fulfill my purpose in life, so maybe i just shouldn't know it yet.

but yeah, i'm a big fan of the idea of life purposes and destiny and fate and God's plan for each person. it's nice to think about, i think.




ps: starting november first, i'll be working on a novel. november is national novel writing month!

this reminds me of last Christmas. my brother and i threw a Christmas costume party, and one person [his name is kyle] dressed up as me.

he wore a long sleeve button up shirt that was bought at a thrift store by our friend sam [me and sam each bought one of this shirt. they had two that were exactly the same, and we figured this way we can be twinners], a shirt of a local Christian band called Crucial 777 [i have the same shirt, i bought it at one of their concerts] and some glasses that he got from who knows where.

it was pretty awesome, and he actually did look almost exactly like me. it was funny.